Sometimes you're the bug and sometimes you're the windshiled.

This is my Dad's favorite way to say life isn't fair. There are some other less family friendly versions as well. Whoever told you that life is fair was lying to you. There is no promise that life will be fair. Some of us will have it easier than others. Still more will have a difficult time of it.

Life happens in a purposeful way whether you participate or not. Each experience, each moment is intentional in some way. Sometimes you make the right choice and everything is coming up roses. Life is great and you are happy to just be a part of it. Still there are probably more times than that, where life seems to spit in your face. Be it karma or simple stupidity that gets you into it, there you are.

You find yourself looking around and wondering how you get yourself out of this situation. You do and then you are in another situation.

Rob and I joke about this all the time. Whenever we are faced with any decision of any significance we simply assume we will make the wrong decision and wonder what situation we are inadvertently deciding to get into. We unfortunately cannot see into the future, so we stupidly predict through the lenses of our desires. We rationalize why it's a good idea and give ourselves permission not make this decision because how can we not?

Sometime down the road we are looking at each other and just laughing about it. What can you do really? I mean you could make a different decision,up that is clearly not how it work for us. So our coping mechanism is to laugh and figure our way through this next adventure. It almost always works out in the end.

We definitely had a better go of it when we started trying to learn from our experiences rather than just moving from one to the next. Since changing our tactics in this way we are finding much more success in our life. Now we are sure to get cocky and screw things up again, but at least we now have better tools to survive.

Things are not always fair, sometimes bad things are gonna happen to you, but you can still make some choices in every situation. The biggest advice I have to give is choose how you response to both the good and the bad scenarios. There is no reason you can't be in the moment and experience it. However you can also choose how you respond to it.

Recognize a job well done.

I feel like at work this is pretty self explanatory. However if your work is a frustrating and ugly place please refer to the last post and then do the right thing.

Personally this is a much more difficult task. I am a perfectionist and driven, so even if I do a good job, I still see where there is room for improvement. So, I can tell you that these same expectations naturally go to those around me. This is something that was engrained in me as a child.

It is all to easy to say to someone "You did a good job, but..." I can tell you from experience the person hearing this will only remember the words you say after but. I didn't understand this until I had a child, the word but after a praise statement completely negates any positive thing you might have said before it.

I do this to my poor daughter and she takes it like a champ, but I can hear my own responses to this as a child and I worry for her. I don't want her to settle, but I do want her to know that I see and appreciate all her accomplishments.

It is absolutely not the case for me. When I was younger if you had used a phrase like the one above I would automatically assume that I was a failure. As I became more self aware I realized what coaching really is and what it is for and I go seeking it out. I love to be told that I do a good job, but I much prefer any honest set of feedback on how I can get better at something.

Let us recognize that I am the exception and not the rule. Most people need to hear more frequently than they do, that they are doing a good job. In fact that small recognition will keep them doing a good job. Praise is like an addiction. If you get it you want more of it.

There is one catch however....sincerity is required to make it believable.

So what do you do if praise is not something that comes naturally to you? Well, I would tell you to take a page out my husband's book. When you want to develop a new soft skill, start doing it even if it feels awkward and your heart isn't behind it. With practice you come to see the benefits and your heart will join in the activity. Eventually you will be sincere and believable.

Go out and practice. Utter four small words to any deserving person...you did a good job. Then follow up with a specific example to ram it home with the person you are recognizing.

How do you feel when someone praises you? Don't you want to make someone else feel good about themselves too? If not' you should.

Try it out.

Someone is looking out for you.

When I think about this it takes me back to when I was a child and I thought that there were invisible camera men following me around. Someone whether you think so or not is out there thinking about you and what you need. It could be simple like seeing your hands full and opening a door for you. Or bigger like basic human needs like food, shelter and clothing. Let’s really start with the most base of things we as humans need and that is Love. Even if you are a single child and all your relatives are dead, there is someone out there that cares for you in a loving and kind way. You may not even know them, but they are there. Dark times enter every life, but having an understanding that you are thought of and cared about can provide even a pinpoint of light for you to keep your eyes on.

Even those folks that depend on local, state and national government provide that looking out for (however, good or bad that service might be.) It is easy to feel like there is no such thing at work. You are on your own and whatever happens, trust no one and no body. Depending on your situation that could be true. Instinctually we do primarily think about ourselves, but I refuse to believe that it is so widespread that you can’t count on anyone to support you.

I agree that perhaps the person you need the support from, like your boss or the person who has decision making power regarding your employment status. However, there is someone in the office that recognizes your value and talks about it to other people. Life is about more than whether you are being publicized for a promotion. Sometimes it’s about getting some street credit which might lead to more responsibility. Maybe it comes in a small package that you don’t notice or recognize as someone looking out for your interests. Even in ugly work places there are some rays of sunshine that do their best to make sure that everyone gets a little ray pointed in the direction of a deserving employee when they can. Let those things motivate you to enjoy coming to work and enduring the items that aren’t great for you. Better yet, find your own way to look outside of your own needs and think about people you can look out for.

Home is the easiest place to feel comfortable in the thought that someone is looking out for you. Your parents, your children, your friends, relatives, you name it someone out there knows you are there and wonders if you are OK. We are all terribly aware of the people out there that need help recognizing that someone is watching or quietly helping in some way.

The biggest challenge I face regarding someone looking out for me is not whether someone is doing this. I have an emotional understanding that this isn’t about whether someone is trying to get me promoted, or that I am getting something material from assistance. For me I am comfortable that emotionally at work I know I am valued and through that someone is looking out for my health and wellbeing. The rest will sort itself out. The challenge for me is to continuously be that person that is looking out for someone else. Recognizing I am only a piece of this community and part of my responsibility is to look around and see when someone needs to know that they are noticed and make sure and let a person know that I care about how they are and whether they succeed.

Don’t you look out for complete strangers? Hold the door for someone? Holler after someone who dropped something as they walked by? Contact someone if you find their wallet? Someone is paying attention to you. What, or who are you paying attention to?

Happiness is an inside job.

Thanks to my friend at work for this. I would have used
different phrasing but this is catchy.

This is tricky for me. I do try to find joy in the small
things in life and generally am successful. However my natural instinct is that
of skepticism and general apathy for myself. If left to my own devices that
ugly gremlin voice gets the best of me.

I will not belabor today's post for very long, as I have
covered this before. Today is simply a reminder that we all need on a regular
basis. Each of us need to find a way to be happy in whatever place we are in.
There is something to be learned and something to be joyful about in nearly
every situation.

Wipe those grey cobwebs from your eyes and see the light
in the objects around you. There is joy here, all you have to do is open your
eyes and you will see it.

Only you can choose happiness, it cannot be forced upon
you.

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

For me this is another Grandmaism. I'll be honest with you, I did not understand what this meant until I was in college. she would say it to me frequently and as a kid just rolled my eyes, but not really understanding.

A light went on one day at school and I finally got it. Your intention doesn't matter. Yes you should always strive to do good, but in reality you should just do good.

What does this mean to me? Well I find that many of us talk about the things we want to do. For instance you may want to organize your garage, teach your kid about nature, get more exercise, etc. These are all fine intentions, but how many do you actually do?

Many self help gurus will tell you to tell someone or many someone's about what you want to do. I submit that if we all do this as a practice (and we do) how can anyone take that sort of admission seriously? Do you really think someone is going to ask you how your diet is going? No, they will say something if they notice you have lost weight though. The point is that you can only really be accountable to yourself. either you really want to make this change, do this activity or you don't. Telling people might help your conviction, but you have to really want to.

What about real obstacles? They exist and really should't prevent you, but only slow your progress while you determine another way to where you want to go, or lead to something even better, and gets you the same gratification.

For me it has been a long road to giving and volunteering. I love helping people, there was a time in my life that I felt like there was no help. In my young mind that was true, but in reality the people providing the help, I didn't know about or they weren't perceived as hep to me. I most certainly thought no one was standing up for me. Once I did get some help and perspective I vowed internally to stand up for those that don't feel like they can do it for themselves. I figured out that most people do not realize they are being mean or hurtful, but if you bring it to there attention they are appalled with their behavior and more than happy to makes amends.

I recall this time I worked for Qwest and one of the employees was mad about something trivial that was happening. she was loudly complaining about another manager in my hearing. This group of employees was very sensitive to us as managers talking about employees, but apparently it was ok to verbally abuse us for all to hear.The worst part in my mind is that the manager she was complaining about was her friend that had been promoted into management. However due to the current situation that required her management to come before her friendship, this employee felt like it was OK to disregard her feelings because in this office it was us and them.

I was infuriated and against may better professional judgment called this employee into a conference room and the following happened:
T- Listen, you are not required to like your boss. I am not required to like you. However we are required to act like the adults we are and work together. You get very incensed if you even think we as managers might be talking about one of you. In fact your feelings are hurt and we are required to make amends for even an imagined offense. Put yourself in my shoes. I cannot stand by and listen to you bad mouth a fellow manager. She has feelings just like you or I, she doesn't sit any farther from your desk than I do. She used to be your friend, has that changed?
Employee-no!
T- has it occurred to you that you might be hurting her feelings?
employee - look of complete surprise, followed by emotions of remorse.
T- I can't tell you what to do, but I will ask you to think about what your actions will do to someone else. Words have power, think about what you want to do with that powder before you use those words.

I was terrified doing this. I was about 24 and she was in her fifties. A far as she was concerned I was a snot nosed kid, but I was a manager and she was a subordinate. In the end she apologized to my fellow manager and was more conscious of what she said, to whom and at what volume.

I used to fantasize about the way I could have stood up for myself or someone else. Mostly I was afraid of what might happen. What I learned was that people will know that someone cares about them ands bullies will find out that we know them for who they are.

stop intending to do good things and just step through your fear and anxiety and see what happens.

Can't never did anything

I got a lot of questions on this topic today. I am not sure I understand why it’s so difficult to understand, but I will attempt to shed light on the subject as we go.

My grandma used to say this and other versions of the same thing to me. She said them without thinking, which makes me understand that it was drilled into her by her parents. The basic principle is hard work and perseverance are going to carry the day. Quitting isn’t going to get you out of any situation.

I got examples upon examples for this, but I feel like in my current situation I would call on this one. When you feel helpless in a situation work or personal you often have an urge to just give up and just concede or do nothing at all. I would like to submit that this is only a proper solution as a bridging measure. If you take time to really think about a situation you always have choices. You may be required to do something you don’t like, but you can control your response to it. You can resolve to be the best at what you have in front of you, but you are not tied to that job. You can do this job and be taking steps to change your situation into one you are engaged in and feel good about.

Life is going to throw you a curve ball, catch it and throw it back. Think about what you want and move your life in the direction you want to go. You may have obstacles, but you can still get where you want to go.

I still have this problem, but not as bad as I used to be. I used to get this picture in my head that determined how any one situation was going to work out. Then when it didn’t work out that way I was totally devastated and everything was ruined. I cannot predict the future as much as I would like to, so I have had to learn to accept what is and work with what I have. I can use the tools presented to me to get where I want to go, I don’t have to get there the way I envisioned it.

What you think about you bring about

This is one of my favorite sayings. I have this little voice that follows me around saying negative things and trying to put a negative filter in front of me. I like to picture a bad Gremlin from the movie Gremlins that is always trying to trip me up.

When he gets the best of me I am pessimistic, and assume that the bad thing is always the thing that is going to happen. What I started realizing around the time I met my wonderful Husband (shocking coincidence I know) is that when you think something bad is going to happen, it probably will. You know why? Because you are looking for it, your brain is actually trying to bring that image into being.

I more than anyone understand that bad things happen and often to good people. However, can’t you think immediately of the one person in your office that never has anything positive to say? Nothing good is ever happening to them. All they ever want to talk about is the terrible experiences that they are having. I can, and I often wonder to myself whether they just need attention or if their capacity for happiness is now found in the negative.

Then I think how sad it is that someone has let the little Gremlin into their life so much that there is no sunshine in their life. Joy can only be found in pointing out other people’s faults, complaining about how other people make terrible decisions, gossiping and generally spreading their negativity around in hopes of gathering more Gremlins for their army.

My Gremlin is under a lot more control than he used to be. I used to let him ride on my shoulder wherever I went. He had an opinion on everything and told me how incapable I was of doing anything. He was like my best friend and he had a lot of influence over me. I remember when I really started to set better boundaries for my Gremlin.

There was a time when my best friend and I were living, working and commuting together. This is a lot for any relationship, but she and I are drastically different people. At the time we didn’t have the ability to communicate our feelings or chose not to. The little things about someone that you don’t love, but can live with become giant personality flaws when you are faced with them 24 hours a day. I am going to admit that I might not have been a picnic to live with in this situation. At any rate after many months of living together we were barely speaking and we will both tell you that our friendship was on the brink.

I remember complaining to my then Fiancé about her and all these giant personality flaws. It turns out my Gremlin had been talking in my ear, telling me how terrible all these very small things were and how I shouldn’t have to put up with it. All the while telling me how terribly easy going I was and that I was not being irrational that she should comply with all my house rules and not have any compassion for her needs in the situation. My ideas were clearly more logical and she just wasn’t thinking. What kind of friend thinks this? Well, I’ll tell you; someone who is listening very intently to their Gremlin. So, back to the story…I am complaining to Rob and he turns to me and says (I like to pretend he was talking to my Gremlin and not me in this situation) “Tristanne, she is who she is and either you love her and can deal with her quirks, or you can’t and you need to move on.”

On the surface that is very plain and simple and relationships aren’t simple. However, for me it was like punching my Gremlin in the face. I had been thinking about all these small insignificant things and then started expecting these “bad” behaviors to surface. The reality was they weren’t bad behaviors they were different from me and I chose to see the negative in it. I didn’t have the flexibility to deal with them and roll with the punches. I thought it was going to be negative and so that is what happened.

Time goes on and my best friend moves back home. I get some separation and I had started giving my Gremlin some etiquette lessons. So, I reach out to my Best Friend and mend the fence. We are still best friends and both of us sometimes reflect on this time and laugh about how we got ourselves into that mess. The best part is we found our way out.

You can control you Gremlin. Recognize your Gremlins voice and tell him how to think. Don’t let him take over your thoughts. If you see the world through a positive lens, life will be better. You don’t have to be a Pollyanna, you can be realistic and even sarcastic, but try to have some fun. You don’t get a single moment back.

At work I get teased a little bit for my loud laugh. I am loud, I try to be quieter, but not so much with my laugh. It might irritate other people, but I firmly believe we need more laughter at work. You are there for hours! You need to enjoy the time you are there. I am now infamous for using trivia at the start of my meetings. I was working this very long and difficult project and the team that was working with me was working really hard. When a project starts getting really difficult you need some levity to help people feel better and quite frankly it got people engaged.
I introduced it at first and no one wanted to participate. I just kept plugging along and pretty soon I was getting topic requests, and finally cheaters! People would pull up Google and search the answer to my questions. This had the absolute desired effect. People wanted to come to my calls because they would smile and be entertained. I like to think I run a good meeting, but this got them there.

That was over 3 years ago and people still ask me about my trivia. A little positive thinking and some fun will make a difference in more than your life.

Contribute

In life as in work, what you put into it you get out. Things aren’t always going to go your way and many times it will feel like you don’t even have a way anymore. The fact is you have a way and it isn’t always smooth. However, if you work at your life and your work based on your principles and standards things will generally work out.

If you asked me today, what this message means to me, I would say a few things…

· Do your job, get the work done, be productive.
· If you see an issue, don’t complain unless you have researched what is causing it and have a suggestion on how to fix it. Whining isn’t going to make the issue go away and someone else shouldn’t have to solve your problems.
· See previous Village posts – Your skills are needed to keep the society you live in moving.

If I have a pet peeve (which I have a few) one of them is people who are passive in life. Everything is happeningto them. While we do not control everything that happens to us, we can control how we respond to it. Helplessness is a mindset. Recognize what is happening, what you need to do to respond and most importantly DO IT. This alone is a tremendous contribution to your own life. If you stretch that into your job and some other areas of your life you would be amazed at the results.

To borrow an overused phrase from Nike “Just Do It.” Contribute to life, by being a part of it. Contribute to the office, first by doing your job and second by contributing to the teams and departments that you are in. In this case, small things truly add up to big results.

A personal example, while not earth shattering, still illustrates the point is my weight loss. Back in 2005 I weighed 175lbs (as much as I weighed 9 months pregnant with my daughter in 2002). I got there through my addiction to sweets and soda. I clearly needed to change something or things were going to get out of hand quickly. I made a decision to change, which was incredibly difficult. I was literally hiding thousands of calories. I hid sweets like an alcoholic hides their booze. First I had to come clean and tell Rob about all the extra money I was spending (that we didn’t have) and just the sheer volume of food that was going between my teeth. Next up move to diet soda and sugar free sweets. This quickly transitioned to a year on weight watchers (WW) online. WW helped me with portion control and weight started coming off.

Next contribution to my life was exercise. I was an athlete, but individual exercise was and is not my gig so I had to devise ways to get myself going. There were fits and starts, but as you see results, your resolve starts to strengthen. About a 8 months in I had to embrace running. I hate running, but let’s face it that is the only exercise that really burns calories and is CHEAP to do. I started small here too, starting with interval running so I never felt like I was running farther than 100yards at a time.

A year and 30 pounds later I felt much better about myself and could do many more activities than before. Have I struggled every day since with sweets and candy? Yes, every day since the day I decided to change. I have bad days, even bad week’s, but knowing what it took to get to this weight keeps me in check.

How am I contributing? Well, by living at a healthier weight and living a healthier lifestyle I am improving my own personal life and leading a good example for my daughter. Now when I tell her to eat her vegetables she can’t say no, since we both are eating it.

While this story doesn’t make you tear up, or make you want to start an exercising regiment I hope you stop to think about what contributions you are making t your own personal life and your work life. Maybe your perspective and attitude just need a little injection of effort to turn things around.

It Happens.

This was a good one for the office. By the time I left for lunch 5 people had stopped in my office door, pointed at the board, smiled and said “Yes it does.”

Let’s face it, if people are involved, ridiculous, unexplainable things are going to happen. Do we take actions to prevent them? Yes. Are people infallible? No. Thus, stuff is going to happen. At this point the crux of the situation begins. What do you do when it happens? The way I see it there are a few options I will outline below:

1. Seek & Destroy: back track to the root of the problem, identify the person who started the avalanche and throw them to the wolves.
2. Move on: it doesn’t matter what happened yesterday, just deal with today and the future.
3. Live & Learn: Analyze where the process went wrong, note it for future use and come up with a corrective action plan
4. Blame “Them” : Use logic that the business “they” that make decisions don’t know what they are doing and therefore handicap your ability to do your job properly.

Each of these options have different outcomes for you and your business or life. While I would encourage you to spend most of your time with number three, Live and Learn. For each of you there may be reasons you choose any one of these 4 responses to it. Whatever you choose, this is how I see each of these solutions working out for you.

Seek & Destroy: Really hurts you too. The hope when deploying this tactic is to distract the attention off of you and onto the poor hapless soul that may have inadvertently kicked off an avalanche of issues. There were probably several opportunities to correct the issue that went un-noticed by several other individuals. However, our natural instincts for survival kick in and we track a problem back to the first person to make a less than exact decision and claim them the dastardly employee that planned to sabotage the whole thing from the beginning. All this really does is point out how poorly you as a leader monitored the details of the activity and that you are not willing to own your part in an issue with you and your team’s work. What does that say about you as a person or as a leader? Does this instill trust in your team members or your family & friends if this is something in your personal life? Personal accountability breeds global accountability.

Move on: While in principle is a good idea, if you don’t learn from your mistakes you are very likely going to repeat them. Accountability comes into play here as well. Your team/community wonder whether you even care if a job is well done. Is there even a reason to try and do it right if we as a group will just move forward regardless of what work product is produced. Do you want to hitch your wagon to someone who doesn’t analyze the outcome to strive for continued better results?

Blame “Them”: This is my personal favorite of the blunders. If all else fails the greater “they” of leadership is always to blame. They are too disconnected. They don’t know what it’s like for those of us “doing the work.” I am sorry to say this to those of you that live here, but you have a job because these leaders are deciding the future and direction of our business. While they may ask for your input they are in the positions they are in because they worked for it. Our jobs are to be stewards of the business and its direction. Get in the boat and row with the team or find a different place to work. Is it nice to agree with every decision your employer makes regarding the business? Yes. Do you have the privilege of know everything there is to know in order to make the right decision? No. Do “They”? Probably more likely than you. All this to say, be a good steward, understand your role in the organization, put the businesses best interest before your own and you will likely win in the end. I am not saying you should be a mindless robot at work, but use your skills and intelligence to improve the business and your role and compensation will likely improve correspondingly.

Live & learn: This is the best course of action. People are going to make mistakes. Sometimes whole teams will miss something that is seemingly obvious. Business moves quickly and even with the best of preparationit can happen. Go back and determine how you got there. Make notes on how to prevent it in the future and move forward. When the next opportunity presents itself implement the previous learning into this new opportunity. You can’t predict the future, you can only learn and move forward. Blame isn’t going to help you get anywhere, even if it does make you feel self-righteous to say it wasn’t your fault. This plays much better with a team and with leadership. It is a rare time that leaders are looking for a scape goat. Understanding this will help you in the long run as well.

Your personal life probably doesn’t play a whole lot differently than I describe above. I could have used any number of personal examples and said the same thing. Have some respect for the fact that people are gonna make mistakes, nature will take its course, eventually you will trip on nothing and fall on your face. The real question is, how are you going to respond when it does happen?

Give 'em a break.

No you have not entered a construction site, just a little piece of my inner monologue. I am no different than you, the first time I saw one of those construction signs I laughed to myself (maybe even out loud). The truth is construction sites are like call centers. We as observers feel like we already know the people that are either working construction or answering the phones are incompetent and actually trying to slow us down.

How did that entitlement come about? When did it become OK to assume people in service industries are intentionally trying to do things wrong or make situations difficult? Why do we as consumers assume that anyone who is paid to help us is trying to scam us or deliberately charge up our account so that we are getting charged more than we wanted to spend?

This is mind boggling to me. As a society I think we give people way too much credit of malice and forethought. In my minimal experience, most people just want to do their jobs and do them well. This should lead to continued and even profitable employment. As employees we do not seek joy in other's misery as a part of the job. Even more probable are people that do things that are hurtful completly via ignorance or even more frequently simple human error. What causes the real issue are people's fear of admitting mistakes and then making it right. So we as the affected party are then righteously indignant to any who will listen.

I frequently find myself frustrated with people as you will recall from yesterday's post. Reminding myself of this position that most people are not purposefully trying to do things wrong helps give me some perspective. If I take some time to understand where they are coming from I might understand that I am really not the priority for a legitimate reason and will "give them a break" on the deadline now that I understand, or work with them to alieviate what other issues are standing in their way of success.

I will admit that there are people out there that just don't care, or are truly that disconnected. You have to have realistic expectations of them. In a sense "give them a break" they are who they are and you aren't going to do anything to change that. If you are their manager you have a little power, but you can only change you and simply attempt to influence other people.

When you feel your blood boiling determine if you are shooting the messenger or not? For instance my daughter is still experiencing many things for the first time. However, it is very easy for me to forget that and say something very insensitive like "This is very simple, I don't know what is so hard about this." Well, it's hard because she has never done it before.

I am not condoning the idea of people just not listening, or generally disregarding instructions or their jobs. Simply that as a leader you need to have a good understanding of the whole story before getting your attitude in a bunch. If there are legitamate reasons for a behavior maybe you should just give 'em a break.

Do you need a time out?

Every single person who reads my board today smiled and laughed. Each one would tell me a story of tem asking their children or their parents asking them that question. That is the first place many go when they see this phrase. It’s true we use this with our children as an incentive to control their emotions and act with a level of decorum.

I have already submitted this as an idea few days ago. What if we applied this to ourselves as adults? I am gonna be honest with you, every day I leave the office for lunch for one reason beside nutrition. I need a break from my office. I can clear my head, let whatever stresses that have occurred during the day clear away and leave room for rational reasonable thinking. Timeout doesn’t have to be a bad thing, taking time to let emotion run its course so you can see clearly and respond accordingly. This is not just for work, but for life in general. Anytime you feel like emotion is getting the better of your senses, wouldn’t it be great if you could call a 30 second timeout? Your life cuts to commercial break and when you come back from break your brain has plugged back in and you can continue.

When I was little I used to think there were cameras following me everywhere creating a record of everything I ever did. This by the way kept me out of trouble A LOT. Anyway, what if that were the case? Not only that your life is like a sporting event, each day there is a start to the game, you are aloud 3 timeouts, there is a half time and periodic commercial breaks until such time that the game ends. Wait…that is what life is like.

Each day your alarm clock signals the start of the game. Sometimes you are caught off guard or sleep through it, but you get up eventually and get started. There is a rhythm and routine to getting off to work or your daily responsibilities. Many jobs have 2-3 15 minutes breaks (timeouts), lunch happens sometime in the middle of the day (Half-time), head home to your nightly routine and then your head hits the pillow signifying the end of the game for the day. Sounds pretty simple, well like sports anything can happen between the alarm clock and your head hitting the pillow. Now, you are saying to yourself, real original sports analogy, what about the timeouts? In all sports timeouts are a resource to be used wisely, you don’t have a never ending supply, so you have to use them in such a way as to maximize their effectiveness. Then you have to take into account what a commercial break can do for you as well.

Personal Timeouts and commercial breaks are a way for you to take a few deep breaths, get some perspective and get back in the game. To illustrate my point let’s go through a typical day for me….(this ought to be interesting)

Game Starts - 6am - 30 min: Drag self from bed, take shower, dress other morning prep activities

· 6:30am - 40 min: Perform Child School preparations: includes dragging daughter from bed, nagging her for faster eating and better spelling, followed by barking about dressing faster, brushing faster and better teeth brushing and ending with loud breathing from mouth while talking through gritted teeth to get shoes on before we miss the bus. (dramatization, but close approximation)

o At this point I want to call a timeout, but I know that I will get a commercial break once the bus drives away, so I use thecommercial break between drop off and work starting.

· 7:40 – 2 hours: get to work, review and clean out email and assess what kind of day I will have. Host 1-3 calls and respond to various requests or follow up items.

o When you start your day inevitably there is what I like to call the “idiot request” someone whom really is not an idiot has requested or responded to something without thoroughly reading or considering what their request is. It is very easy to get irritated and let this set your day off poorly. I am generally not affected by these and mostly look at the list of to do items and either groan inwardly or have hopes for a productive day because I am not bogged down.

o Then I start hosting calls, people don’t listen, you repeat yourself 30 times and they still don’t listen, OR my personal favorite is taking this opportunity to try and run their agenda on the call because they don’t care or pick a fight because they are frustrated. This results in me having to play moderator and put the smack down on picking the fight or cut off the agenda pusher and inform them of the right arena for their concerns. These things challenge me to keep my cool. In most cases I know there is a generally a commercial break after this call and before the next that I can gather my wits about me. However there are times when I actually have to physically take some deep breaths and sometimes even mute my phone so that I can pull myself together and not yell into the phone.

· 1st timeout: Have a snack, get up and walk around say hi to a few people chat about non work related items.

· 10am – 1-2 hours: Host some more calls, see above bullets. Do some more email correspondence, follow up, follow up, follow up.

o Follow up = babysitting this can result in frustration that I have explained the work and the timeline 4 times and yet there are still people who claim to not know, just ignore or outright snub your request thinking I won’t remember of follow up. I remember people! It’s a lot easier on you and me if you just do it when I ask. I don’t like being the bad guy, but that doesn’t mean I won’t. (see, I need a timeout just typing this)

· Halftime!!!! – I love this time of day, even if all I do is drive out pick up some food and drive back. It might be 15 minutes, but it’s enough. Leave the office, breath some fresh air, get out of the environment you are in. Listen to the radio, read a book, think about anything else. This clears my head and recharges me for the rest of the day.

· 12pm/1pm – 2 hours: more calls, more follow up, Now you get the drive by assignments. These are one of the top 2 things that will make you call a timeout. Someone (doesn’t have to be your boss) drops by your office and lays a big ugly mess in your lap that you need to clean up, but they don’t give enough information and mostly just give you the feeling that a bomb might actually explode in your professional life if you don’t fix this quickly.

o Keys to preventing a waste of a timeout: don’t own that person’s anxiety and emotion. Stay calm, interrogate them for all they have and then let them know that as soon as they have sent you the details in an email you will begin working on it. (unless it is an actual emergency) This buys you time to ponder what they said, think through the angles and have a general plan when the email comes in, AND it gives the bomber some accountability to get you some information. If the info doesn’t come how important was it really?

· 2nd timeout: for me this serves two purposes. First, this is about the time that I want to take a nap and need to get up from my desk and second my focus on work and ability to manage my inner monologue is waning for the work day. Get up, circulate some blood, do a little more visiting, or consulting with someone intheir office to get some advice, anything.

· 2:30 – 2 hours: Work feverishly to close all loops for the day, line up work for tomorrow and do some last follow up items.

o 3:38 – Daughter home from school – calls and starts asking what she can eat, what she has to do, please don’t make her practice math she doesn’t like it, her bag is heavy, when are you coming home (all in a very whiny 2 year old tone)

· 4:30ish: commercial break: 8 minute drive home – use this time wisely, gather wits, take deep breath, let go of work and go down mental checklist for Mommy taxi time.

· 4:30 – 6:20 (most days): Walk dog, get mail, make dinner, listen to child tell you why homework is not done, then harass child in 3 minute intervals to continue working on homework while you are rifling through the back pack for information you should get from the teacher, packing next day’s lunch, feed dog, yelling at child to stop dawdling finish dinner and get ready for swimming, we have to leave in 10 minutes! Do the dishes, wait did I eat dinner? Did the cat go out? Oh crap, I need to feed the dog. Man I want to change out of my work clothes…

o Here is where the day can really go sour for me. I have now worked a whole day, I am tired, hungry and want to sit on my rump and watch some DWTS. However, I don’t get to do that and on top of that this is where I would like to have that timeout. There are now no timeouts. The only timeout you get as a parent is when they are sleeping.

· 6:20 – 8pm – My daughter is a magpie and never stops talking (which in most cases is very endearing) on the way to swimming, studying for test, practicing memorization for school or if God is good, she is reading. Swoop into pool parking lot 1 min before practice starts, H tucks and rolls out so that she can race into practice and get to work. I park and wander in.

o This would be a great time to work out, but really who wants to do that when there is a bleacher with your name on it where you can stare at the wall like a vegetable for 45 minutes. You sit in the stands talking with other parents who look like you.

o This is not really a timeout for me, because my daughter is watching very closely that I am paying attention and providing enough thumbs up and encouraging smiles to keep her trying her best at practice.

· 8pm 3rd time out– back from swimming we sit for a few minutes so that I can relax and pull myself together to finish the game.

· 8-9 – bedtime routine for H, and there is more nagging to wash hair well, not just rub your hands on top of your head, wash face and ALL your crevices!!!! Why is the curtain not IN the shower, but out of it? Why isn’t the curtain shut ALL the way? Is the city going to run out of hot water? Get dressed, brush your teeth. Did you brush your hair? Brush your hair. I love you, have a good sleep; then daddy whisks her off to bed.

· Final commercial break – While Rob is closing out bedtime I sit in my chair at home and just breath, review the events of the day

· 9-10:30 – Rob and I connect and talk about the day, read, watch some TV, generally de-compress.

· Game over - My head hits the pillow.

Typing this out made it seem like my day is one big stress ball, but the reality is I love my life and everything I get to do. However, it is very easy to get all wound up and angry over a lot of nothing. Some days you don’t need all your timeouts and commercial breaks and other days you will need them all and more. You know what, it’s OK, but you need to use them. In most cases if you call a timeout for yourself no one is going to die. In fact it might result in a better outcome simply because you took a quick break to pull yourself together.

Don't worry. Be happy.

This is a very cliché saying, but it does represent what I am trying to say to myself today. Ultimately what I wanted to say sounds very righteous, which could lead to the message being lost. The phrase I usually use in my inner monologue would be “Do not worry or fear, have faith”.

If I am in a place where I am worrying about anything and everything, I start to get very down and see only the negative angle in all things. I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking of all the bad things that could happen. Now as all of you who know me, understand that I am a planner. I think about the future whether that is an hour or years from now. It is sooo easy to start worrying and fretting about what is to come. Lucky for me my Husband, lovely man that he is, has helped me a lot in this territory. Don’t worry or fret about anything until it’s time. I am not God, I do not know what is going to happen in the future and while I like to think I can predict it often, I really don’t know; and my predictions are only for me to cope with the unknowing.

This is and continues to be a challenge for me to look at a situation that guarantees uncertainty and not turn it into a foreboding of certain doom. When I hear words like standardization, re-organization, streamlining…they strike fear into the hearts of those of us that are mere mortals. Instantly we are checking our employment status, trying to find that elusive resume that you haven’t looked at since you got the job you are in right now. Assessing your finances to determine if you can afford your lifestyle and not have a job. Even though you simply do not know what any of those words mean. Maybe those are companywide efforts that barely impact you, maybe it doesn’t impact you in anyway but impacts someone else. This is a good one, it creates a new combo, relief that it isn’t you, but fear that you could be next.

All these emotions are natural and part of dealing with difficult work situations. Preparedness goes a long way towards enabling you to deal with these situations. Manage your finances, make it a practice to keep you resume updated twice yearly. Do you job well, maybe even do a little something extra once in a while so your employer appreciates you a little more. In short be present and engaged in your life. This is the first step. The next step is to use your brain when these ugly words are spoken. Listen carefully to what is said, when you feel that fear and fretting starting to overcome your rational thinking, stop gather your wits about you and determine if it is really time to worry about this or not.

The last thing I want to say on this is be careful of infection. Attitudes are infectious. In a work environment where these ugly words are spoken, fear and fretting can infect even the most upbeat and comfortable employee. Watch for the symptoms and guard yourself against them like you would a cold or flu. People need an outlet to talk about what is on their mind, but you don’t have to get on the train to listen and be supportive. Just don’t help the person wallow in their fear.

All of this to say that for me, every situation that I am in is purposeful. I am there to learn something, take something from the experience. One example of a tough learning is being my Grandmother’s caregiver for 4 years and then going through the entire process that led to her death. Of all the work that required the end was the hardest part. Being strong, calm and functional when you are staring death in the face is not something everyone should have to do. I am grateful that there is a Hospice program and to those folks that do this work. However taking part in it as a family member is a transforming experience. Those are moments I was meant to have and I learned about my capacity to communicate and be honest in a situation that screamed for you to say nothing or try to keep thinking happy thoughts. Compassion does not require that you are cheery. On the other side of the coin, when everything is coming up roses, I try to stop and think about what this means to me what am I supposed to be learning. Almost always it comes back to me that what you give you get back in spades. When I am not worry about everything and instead being present and engaged, life is generally better.

All of that to say don’t worry about anything, get smart, get educated on a concern you have and make as informed a decision as possible. In all you do see the joy in it, look to the positive. Many clichés have a strong ring of truth.

The village needs you.

Isn't it nice to be needed? You get a warm feeling inside when your child needs you for something. Or your boss calls you in asks you to work on a project requiring your expertise. Expertise, just the word implies you are special.

Using the concept of the village each member of the community is an expert in something. This is as true in life as it is at work. Obviously there is some overlapping knowledge, but each community member brings something to the table.

Today's phrase is less for me an affirmation of attitude, and more a question to myself. Ask yourself if you are holding on to your expertise. Keeping it to yourself for one reason or another. Your community needs you. They may not know how to show you that, or maybe your skills are needed at a neighboring community.

The point is contribute. In small and large ways. Make a donation, help where you see a need, clean up even though you didn't make the mess. The opportunities are endless.

My village has a few neighborhoods.

My work neighborhood needs a lot of facilitation, so that is what I do. There is more to it, but you can boil my expertise down to bringing people together to facilitate getting to a goal. Do I feel pigeon holed?Sometimes but it's my skill and I try to be very good at it.

My family is diverse, but my role is pretty clear, care giver. Sick, support, whatever call and we will be there. It has different levels depending on the need but it's what we do. Plus I like to do it.
Helping your family is the right thing to do. No matter how you feel about any of them, they are your village and they need you.

My friendship neighborhood can blend the lines of the other two neighborhoods, but mostly I just try to be what they need when they need it.

Really thinking about other people's needs and working to help them will enhance your life.

Your village needs you, go see what you can do to help.

It Takes a Village.

Here we are in week 2. This is definitely helping my attitude at work. More people are referring to my board when they come into my office. Having a lot of conversations that revolve around whatever is on the board. It's good reminder for me and probably good for the people that take the time to talk to me about it. At least I hope it does.

This does apply at work and home. I smile when I see this phrase. It was a hard lesson for me. Accepting that you cannot do it all on your own can be difficult for independent people.

There are cultures and communities all over that share family responsibilities for raising children, family duties, community management, etc.

At work each of us has a role in making the business successful. This is not cliche' it is reality. I know in my job especially that there are hundreds of ways that individuals can contribute. I am amazed at people's capacity to think beyond themselves to improve business. What saddens me is a culture where that village mentality is not nurtured.

All it really takes is acknowledging their ideas and contributions, then explaining either why you will pursue it or why it isn't feasible. The best part about this is that even though many of the ideas will not work, your employees will continue to bring up cool and inventive things. These will keep your business moving forward. Those departments and businesses that do not acknowledge their frontline contribution end up being disconnected from the customer they serve.

At home, I rely on my village, to get through day to day life. Babysitters, sounding boards, parenting ideas, social activities. We can't do it all and in fact it is better for our daughter that we can't. She gets exposed to the village and learns norms of behavior and varying coping skills than just our own. With more exposure she will be better equipped to choose the life and village that is best for her. She in turn then assimilatesw to her village and contributes in her own way.

After typing this it sounds all very borg like, but the reality is that we all have to contribute. And we all need to take advantage of the offerings of the village. Have you utilized your village recently? Maybe you should see what they have to offer....

There is always a choice.

I like this phrase. It's kind of like here to help, there is a lot of room for interpretation. No matter what situation you are in, there is a choice. You can choose your response, your attitude, to follow, to lead, the choices (wink) are endless.

The real purpose for me is when I feel my attitude or physical response to a situation I am in going sour and I can internally sort of go to this statement. It grounds me in a place where I can evaluate, is it really necessary for me to get worked up? Do I need to be upset of frustrated? What kind of control do I really have in this situation? Will getting upset help or hurt me? I can go on for a while with questions, but I think you get it.

I have been known to tell kids I talk to about dealing with divorce or difficult family situations that you have a choice, watch what happens around you and determine, do I want to follow in those footsteps or learn from their experiences. For me I try to choose to do the latter. I am not always successful, but for those that know my family story I feel like I have done alright in that department.

There are a lot of places I could go with today's post, but instead I would like to simply provoke you as the reader to ask yourself this:

List the stresses or concerns you have rolling around in your mind, what kind of point of view or perspective choice are you making? Is that choice helping you or hindering you?

Need some more help? Here is an example:

Your place of employment is feeling the economic crunch, you are the bread winner for your household. You have not been given a pink slip, but you are worrying about it.

Are you being cautiously optimistic: keeping faith, but updating your resume and being open to the right opportunity? OR are assuming that your job is lost in the next six months, you are openly looking for a new job, and mailing it in at work? OR another direction might be ignoring it all together and hoping it goes away.

These are all choices, but which one is going to work best for you and your situation/family? I am not here to tell you what is the right decision only to make you think about the choices that you are making and how they are helping you be successful in your everydaylife.

Remind yourself today that there is always a choice in every situation.

Make Someone Believe they Matter

Well, this daily statement is starting to take some shape. When I decided to do this I knew that I would get something out of it, but putting it on the whiteboard instead of post it is giving this personal accountability some community impact. I am going to admit deciding to write these statements in big letters on a white board like a sort of billboard for the office was a little scary for me. However, I stepped outside my comfort zone and did it.

Not knowing exactly how everyone would react, has made for some interesting activity around my office. I have some whom I have talked to about what I am doing and they come and see what the phrase is every day, maybe talk to me about it. Other folks will step in and read it and leave. Yesterday I had someone in my office for a conference call. The whole call they were throwing one of the toy foam balls I have at my desk against the wall above the white board. By the end of the call he was shining a little sunshine at the host of the call. when I commented that it is always nice to acknowledge something good, he nodded and pointed at my white board.

Now I am not saying this is some sort of movement, but just maybe putting the idea of community and caring about something bigger than yourself out there in the world, it might get caught by someone else...

Someone asked me today "How do you make someone believe they matter?" I suppose that thought is true. Perhaps it should have said tell someone they matter, but that wasn't exactly what I was going for. The idea for me was to prompt me to look at each person and think about how to make them feel like what they are doing for me, around me, for the business matters to the whole. In the course of a business day it is very easy to feel like the work you are doing doesn't actually impact the greater success or failure of the business. When in fact each person in a business or a community does own a piece, small, large or otherwise in the overall success of failure of the business.

So how do you use your moments in that person's life when they are with you to recognize that? That is a challenge that you must determine how you will resolve. I can tell you that when you have it written on your white board and they are standing in front of you, it can feel mechanical, but I fall back on the fact that in a face to face if you are genuine it doesn't matter what is written on your white board.

I think you are starting to see a theme here. People are required for you to have success in life and work. If you don't take time to recognize that you may find the going difficult. With that in mind, I would like to thank my family for supporting me in my quirky endeavors to always try and make myself a better person. I would like to thank my friends for just that, being my friends! I am honored to have all of you in my life and no matter what you did today, yesterday or tomorrow you matter to me and have a profound impact on my life everyday.

Publicize Someone Else's Success

This can particularly difficult for all of us. We definitely think about other people and in fact probably wish that we could be more like someone else we know. But let's stand back and realize that there is a very good possibility that each of us has done something that is pretty great, but don't know if anyone appreciates it because no one said anything.

We are societally told that we shoudl do the right thing or good things because its right, not for the recognition. However, doesn't the same principle that we use for our children apply for adults? We positively reinforce kind and generous behavior in our children to help them continue to choose that behavior over less desirable behaviors.

At what point do we stop needing this positive reinforcement? I know I haven't, does that make me self centered or narsisitic? How do you know that you ARE doing something that is significant and matters if someone doesn't acknowledge it? Professionally, how do you foster continual positivie behavior in adults if those adults never get a reinforcement that what they are doing is what you are looking for?

I can't speak for anyone but myself, but it is my opinion that all it really takes is genuine gratitude and recognition of people's work and you will get so much more engagement and improved productivity. People intrinsicly need to know they are seen and valued. Simply being grateful and going one more step and telling someone else about that great idea someone had will organically build that person up and as a lucky biproduct you can feel good when you see that person stand a little straighter, take a little more pride in their work, maybe pay it forward and publicize someone else's great idea.

Fill a Need Today

This is something that everyone can use. The universe does not actually revolve around any of us. In fact all of us have needs that as individuals we are unable to fill for ourselves. We depend on each other to accomplish pretty much anything. So as individuals we need to fill someone elses needs whether intentionally or passively. How much better is it when someone goes out and thinks about the greater good and fills your need?

These don’t have to be earth shattering; it could simply be opening a door for someone whose hands are full. In my work life much of this is listening to the folks on the team and hearing what they need or what roadblocks need to be removed so they can feel freed to do some work. If I can recognize that and help them work through it, their needs are met, they feel heard and valued & they are more willing to perform whatever task I need them to perform.

Personally it’s even more. We as a race have such a rare and fine gift that we use much to little. We have the capacity to address a need of someone that they are unable to fix for themselves. I get so much joy in seeing someone succeed or overcome because they received a little bit of help or just the support they needed to do something they didn’t believe in themselves enough to accomplish. Fear holds back many, if I can be a part of helping someone find success or happiness or just open the door for someone with their hands full. It fills me up.

Get Some Perspective

Starting yesterday I am instituting an attitude changing habit. In today’s world of attitudes predicting the impending doom of the world in general how do you find a little light to cling to. I do my best to see the world from a positive place. It is so easy to go into a dark place and just be pessimistic and jaded over anything that happens to you or around you.

As we enter a season where giving is the focus it seems like a great time to just take time to adjust your own attitude. I don’t know where this quote came from but someone smart said if you can’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone. There is truth in that. We as people see in other people what we know in ourselves. So, with this in mind I am trying to affect change in my attitude and remind myself why I am on this earth every day.

Here is what I am doing. There is a whiteboard (pictured above) in my office that I can see from where I sit in my office. Every day I will write a new phrase that I can look at when I am hosting calls, responding to email, just going about my daily work. This will help me be accountable to what I am trying to do. A bonus to the location of this board is that when people are walking by it they will read it and perhaps one or two might go on this journey with me, that didn’t even know they needed to.

Yesterday’s phrase is: Get some Perspective.

This can be interpreted in a lot of ways. For me this always means that I cannot possibly know what is going on in other people’s lives. Every person has a different perspective and it shapes and shifts how one person might respond to any situation. Having a job like mine, this is crucial to understanding and working with people to do work that they are not bound to perform for you. Using perspective can gain you the ability to accomplish what you need to or recognize that there are stronger needs for this person than yours.