Be OK with who YOU are.

Society is funny. We tout individuality and diversity, but everything about us craves uniformity. Think about it, when faced with something new do you feel anxious? Do you wish you could do something else, something more comfortable? It is in our nature to want sameness.

It seems to me the same applies to how we feel about ourselves. In our house we have labels for ourselves...I am Mrs. Responsibility and my husband is Captain Fun. Now initially you may think these are unfair labels and go into some mental tirade about why should the wife have to be Mrs. Responsibility and the man gets to have all the fun. BUT, before you go there understand what it really means.

It is in my husband's general nature to have fun. If he is faced with two choices regardless of what they are he is going to choose the more fun of the option even if its only infinitesimally more fun. He is capable and will choose the right option if necessary, but if right is not a consideration and only fun then FUN he will choose. Due to this trait in him, it is he who comes up with ideas for our family fun as well. We went to Disneyland because of him. Heck he is the reason we go anywhere besides our house really.

I on the other hand am, you guessed it Mrs. Responsibility. If faced with two options I am always going to choose the one that is the most practical and responsible choice. I am almost incapable of choosing the fun thing. Now the only twist on that theme is that I am happy to have fun, and willing to plan the fun, but somehow always twist some responsibility in there. Doesn't make sense? Well, let me explain. If I plan a party it is just that PLANNED. For the most part people will receive an invitation with an explanation of the event and what to expect. People will show up and have the event as advertised. While Rob has worked hard to help me find my improvising side, it is a hard fought effort and not always rewarding for me.

Now, with these two examples I then ask, if we know these things about ourselves why aren't we OK with it? I frequently find myself wishing that I got to be captain of fun. When I know that I would not be near as good at the job. My analyzing ways and lack of a care free attitude would severely dampen the expanse of fun that could be had. Practicality would win out and that really is a downer on the overall fun part of being Captain Fun. I am sure that some tiny side of my beloved Husband occasionally wants to be Mr. Responsibility, but let's face it that is not his forte and nor does he want it to be.

Why do we struggle with this? Why can't we accept that God made us who we are supposed to be and its our job to just cultivate that seed to its greatest potential. Well, I would say in my case it's my Brain's fault. It just won't shut up! Saying things like Why can't you do this, what's so hard about doing that? Why does he get to do that? Why can't you be more this? On and on it goes until you want to cry out "Why aren't I good enough?!!!"

I am here to tell you after almost 15 years of continually trying to improve myself, that the people in your life that you surround yourself with see through your feelings of inadequacy and lack of self worth. In fact most of them think about how they could be more like you in one way or another. You have an impact. You are important. You are God's purpose just as you are. The hard part is just remembering it once in a while.

Even harder is giving yourself a break and looking Mrs. Responsibility in the face and thinking...Man you are GOOD at being YOU!

Community Service

Over the last 10 years volunteering has gained support and popularity. First with teenagers, requiring a certain amount of volunteer hours in order to move to the next level of education or graduate high school.

In recent weeks it has reached a fever pitch with the President essentially asking the American public to volunteer, help in the community etc. Just get involved is the basic message.

I am in full support of this idea and want to get behind it 100%. What I want to know is how do I make it fit and does the activity in my own life count as assisting the community.

So let's use me as an example and see where we end up.

As the primary care giver for my grandma, this includes a weekly house cleaning, managing her medications and health care. As well as managing her finances and the hardest job is negotiating her food intake to manager her diabetes and maintain her food happiness. This rounds out at about 4-6 hours a week depending on what is going on.

Next is some volunteering with Seattle Musical Theatre writing documents for them. This is an occasional commitment, but when writing documents its about 2-3 hours a week until the document is finished.

Then there is the whenever you need me syndrome that I have. If someone says I need help with X, I feel compelled to do whatever possible to help with that.

So where does that leave me? Is it enough? I really don't know, but what I do know is that I somehow feel like I am never doing enough to help. I wonder if I am the only person that feels this way.

Here is where my dilemma is now. I want to go out into my community as our President has requested. However, if I am going to commit more of my time I want to choose something that really inspires me and that I am passionate about it. However, how do you determine what you want to do and how much time to commit.

I have a double problem, because I don't do anything halfway, so how do you choose and then maintain a reasonable amount of control in your commitment. If I am passionate about something I will throw myself into it and get really involved.

Am I making it too hard? There is also the idea that all the "Big" volunteer organizations don't need your help and then how do you get involved with "smaller" organizations where you will feel like you are making a significant contribution. Ugh...why doesn't the organization that needs me and knows I would be willing just knock on my door and ask for my help? It would be so much easier.

I am going to tell you this...I have been researching volunteer organizations for the last month and a half and I can't decide. I want an organization that I can help according to my schedule, use the expertise that I have is put to good use. Is that so much to ask? I don't know, but if I can ever figure out where to start I will be sure to let you know.

If you have ideas tell me cause I am open to any of them!

Circle of Life

Had what I call a circle of life experience today. My daughter had her first swim meet today. Summer swim team was an annual experience my entire childhood. Packing for the event, going, setting up the whole routine brought back some of my fondest childhood memories. Only this time I wasn't the kid but the parent. I was experiencing the same activity from the parents point of view. It's very weird actually.

Where you were the kid doing everything you can to lose you LAME parent, you are now the LAME parent trying to show as much support as you can outside to match the amount of excitement and pride you feel inside. All that gets you is the LAME parent label and a lot of "Mom you are embarrassing me!" from said child. All this got me thinking about parenting in general.

We have all said it as we were growing up. "When I have kids, I am never going to do that!". Well...now we have kids and how frequently do you find yourself stopping in your tracks and saying to yourself "I sound just like my parents!" Is that such a bad thing? How bad did you turn out really?

I am here to tell you that while I may not have understood or appreciated my Dad's efforts growing up, I turned out to be productive citizen and decent parent (so far). People in general do a lot of complaining about today's kids. How today's kids watch too much TV, are obese, disrespectful, lazy, entitled, the list can go on forever. Who's fault is that? Ours!

I ask you this...If you turned out to be relatively decent human being by at least maintaining Independence and a job then did you get what you needed from your parents?

The parenting job description is to love, care and raise your child so that they may be able to contribute to society and repeat the cycle for generations to come. If that's the case then your parents did their job. So the real question is are you?

You didn't like that you were punished for doing something wrong, but does that give you a healthy understanding of basic principles of decency? Yes. Why wouldn't the same thing work for your child? It would.

Our parents did the best they could with the resources they had. None of them are perfect, but on the whole they loved you unconditionally, put up with your tremendous attitude and here you are today fulfilling your destiny and what are you doing to maintain your end of the bargain with your kids?

I may be the mean parent, but there are many things I didn't like that my Dad did, I put them into play now.

The most obvious are:

• The word NO
• Consequences to breaking the rules
• Commanding respect of your elders
• Please and Thank you are not optional vocabulary words
• Chores are part of the rent you pay to live in the house
• Responsibility
• Expectation is high
• Competition is healthy

There are others that are less obvious, like courtesy, love, acceptance, encouragement, etc. All these things are required because children only know what they are shown. It is a rare child that understands the world and everything in it before you show them.

We aren't Nobel prize winning parents, just practical to a fault and trying as hard as we can to give our child the best opportunity for the life she is destined to have with the greatest success she can muster through her life experiences and training.

It's true what the experts say. Pay attention to what behaviour you are modeling because your children are watching.

A Sounding Board

How do you help people most? Interesting question really, but it is my belief that except in extraordinary circumstances people just need to be heard. There is no shame or harm in needing have someone hear you.

What a joy that is to take comfort in the fact that there is someone out there that when the need to share our feelings with someone, they will be there. We as humans like to interact and share. Good, bad, inane you name it we want to tell someone about it. We like talking about ourselves. There is a very small population out there that never wants to talk about themselves at least a little bit. So we need someone to hear what we have to say.

So how do we find this person? It seems there may be one or two people that would be constant in your life as a way to release that need to be heard. However you have different needs in different times in your life. The people you need will be laid in your path the challenge for you is to see that person in front of you in order to take advantage of the honest and true listener that is there for you using.

The way to see that person is different for everyone, but the first step is knowing that you need a listener and then you have to take a look around and determine who are you drawn to or even someone who seems to have a way with situations you know you need growth in.

The simple fact is that you are in charge of you and your destiny. If you don't take control of what you can control and let go of the things that you can not control you will miss that person that is out there waiting for the opportunity to hear you and then if you are really lucky give you honest sage advice that is actually applicable to your situation and may actually help you. How lucky you are to have taken notice and then taken as much advantage of it as you can.

You can only become a better person by finding those people in your life that offer you an opportunity to be heard and then make yourself a better you for all the world see and enjoy.

Learning to Ride a Bike

As a parent you should get a memo sent to you maybe once every 3 months or so that says the following:

Dear Parent,

Please remember that your child does not naturally know how to do anything that you don't explain to them. Try to remember this when you child is trying something new or even when its the 40th time they have tried it. The term practice makes perfect wasn't derived out of thin air. You will receive this reminder letter again in three months. This letter will self destruct in 5 seconds.

Regards,

Parents of times past.

Teaching a child to do anything will remind you of this, but with something like learning to ride a bike it is pronounced. Why you might ask? Well...everything is much more important for the child to grasp immediately. If you have a child like ours if failure is experienced in the early going then quitting or flat refusal to try is monumentally more likely. Especially if no training wheels are present.

As a parent you explain how to move the kickstand, get started riding, the need to pedal to keep moving trying to keep balance and don't forget to watch where you are going, etc. etc. This is all done in a quick 5 minute debrief that your 5-8 year old child is to absorb and commit to memory and then apply with great alacrity upon the first attempt to ride the bike.

Now you are practicing and you can see the child's brain working all the cogs and wheels spinning at a painstakingly slow pace. So you find yourself walk-trotting next to a child holding the back of the seat even possibly the handle bars while saying instructions loudly in hopes that louder will make the child process the instructions more efficiently.

Your neighbors are peaking out the window because they keep hearing someone saying in a loud voice things like "STEER", "RIGHT, TO THE RIGHT", "PEDAL...PEDAL...KEEP PEDALING", "TURN...TURNING...KEEP TURNING" "STOP...STOP!" Periodically a child screeching or flat our screaming perhaps crying. These same neighbors then see a parent change their tune to low volume of encouraging statements to cajole their child into trying again.

This goes one for weeks at a time. Why do we do this to ourselves? I'll tell you why. Because as parents we remember all the time we spent as kids riding over hill and dale and anywhere else those two wheels would take us. The adventures that we had both real and imagined. So with these fond memories in our minds we convince/cajole our children into learning to ride a bike and create their own adventures.

But here is the problem...we live in a different time now, where we barely allow our children to go anywhere without us until they are in their teens. Its not "safe" or at least society dictates that we as parents should not allow our children out of our sight for more than a millisecond. How can we expect children to make the same kind of memories that we had if there is no opportunity for them to go out and experience life as we did. Sadly I am of a mind that we do live in a different time and I don't feel great about the idea of letting my child run footloose and fancy free around the neighborhood, but we are working to find ways for her to create memories and have adventures, but in what would be considered safe under today's standards.

In the mean time we are walk-trotting next to the bike and drawing the attention of our neighbors. Happy parenting everybody!

Thursday Before a 3 Day Weekend!

Today is my favorite kind of day. The Thursday before a three day weekend. This is essentially Friday to most of the world. Everything is different about this day. Every person experiences it a little differently but for the most part there are some key similarities in everyone's day. From the moment you wake up you know that at the end of this day you will have 3 days to yourself to do as you please. Well at least you won't have to go to work.

You almost hurry to work in hopes that you will be able go home that much earlier. Most of the day is spent thinking about when you get off and what you are going to do. Working as little as possible or as fast as possible practically willing the second hand on the clock to move more quickly. Contemplating the actual need for food in the attempt get off another hour earlier since you worked through lunch at your desk.

When you dare to walk around the office its a different feeling. Everyone seems to be a better mood, more relaxed willing to kibitz with you about any topic but work really. Every conversation finds its way back to the real topic at hand..What are you doing for your holiday weekend?

This simple question can lead in any direction really. No matter the answer its an easy segue into any and all topics that prevent you from returning to your desk and actually performing the duties for which you are being paid.

This is a universal truth for all levels of employment. Don't let those VPs fool you! They are thinking about the end of the day probably more than you are. Where do you think the idea of letting people go early before a holiday came from? It's not like some employee suggested it and a VP was like "that's a great idea! Let's do it!" No way, and the beauty is all the employees love them for it. It's a win win situation for all people involved.

Then the time comes...you have anxiously awaited this moment since your alarm clock went off this morning. Like a horse out of the gate you gallop to your car smiling and waving to all those poor saps that are still sitting at their desk watching the second hand turn until their freedom bell rings. As you crest the the threshold of the exit to your office building you feel almost light enough to float to your car.

This is the part I truly can not understand. I am guilty of doing it, but I still don't understand why we do this to ourselves. Every three day holiday weekend we kill ourselves during this time to accomplish a thousand things. Ranging from social engagements to home improvements we work tirelessly to accomplish enough activity to last until the next holiday. What is wrong with us really? Why not stay at home sit on the couch or go for a walk. Oh well, we are who we are.

To all those Holiday Crazies enjoy this weekend of insanity and look forward to the comfort that work will be back on Monday and you will be able to relax!

Bedtime Routine

Putting my kid to sleep. She is at that age where they need to do it themselves, but simply cannot stay focused enough to get it done.

As a parent you turn into this person you told yourself you would never be. Wandering around the house muttering to yourself about why your kid just can't listen one time to a word you say. Eye rolling as they ask you 10 times in 10 seconds what it is you asked them to do. Or better yet simply ignoring you a living in their own reality which apparently has not method for time keeping or recognition of the passing of time in general. Suddenly you find yourself standing in their doorway with the look of crazed zombie, breathing fire and shouting (affectionately called the screeching mommy) about how hard can it be to put on pajamas, brush your teeth and get into bed!

Suddenly you stop yourself take a mental inventory and say calmly that if you can't get this done on your own or in 5 minutes, whatever..Then no story time, no before bedtime routine. Luckily my daughter doesn't get out of bed 15 times, but getting her in can be a challenge.

Tonight is no different, sent her to her room at 8 to get into pajamas etc. at 8:30 she came out in pajamas and claims to have made bed as well. Feeling proud that I managed to sit quietly while this took place asked her if teeth had been brushed etc. She promptly states I hadn't asked her to do that, but she would do it right then. Heads to bathroom and starts playing music box in the bathroom rather than actually brushing teeth. Yell to remind her start brushing her teeth....random toothburshing sounds emitted from the bathroom. She returns and states that since I didn't leap from my chair that she will now have to sleep on the couch because I was not ready to do the nightime routine the second she crossed the threshold of the bathroom.

Now 40 minutes past bedtime I send her to bed. She asks very politely if I will sing to her one time. Right then I DO NOT want to sing, but the little voice in my head says she won't ask for this forever. Internal struggle ensues for one quick minute because you must decide quickly. Children smell indecision like fear and jump on the opportunity. Instead of going to her bed I sit her down next to me sing quickly exchange a warm good night parting and send her to bed.

All in all, no yelling (at least in anger) and while she was 40 minutes late to bed, she went there amicably and I managed to control my intense desire to resort to screeching mommy. It was a passable experience had by all. What more can you ask for?

Here to help. What a great phrase. I use it all the time. The beauty of that phrase is it can be used in any context really. In all honesty I try to use it with sincerity 98% of the time...Ok, that's a lie. I use it with sincerity probably 85-90% of the time. The rest of time it could be anything.

Think about it...Say it in your head with all different attitudes. It sounds different every time.

Sarcasm - I'm here to help

Irony - I'm here to help

Frustration - I'm here to help

Emergency situation - I'm here to help!

The list goes on.

Now the question begs to be asked...What are you to here to help with?

The Answer, well that depends on what the question is. Generally speaking I try to help with any situation. Being out side most situations allows objectivity or at the very least another point of view. I can't promise objectivity I am human after all, but I do try to see a situation from both sides and offer practical advice to a question or issue at hand. Other than that its important to understand that the way I handle something is not necessarily the way that other people handle it. That doesn't make it right or wrong just different. Sounds very cliche' but if you can actually have that perspective it can be quite helpful to yourself and other people.