I see you

I have recently been reflecting on my life…I find this a good thing to do, but somehow this past 6 months I have really looked, not just glanced back. Your history, all the little choices that were made lead you where you are today. It’s the small choices that make a difference. Yes, parenting style, the teachers you have, the friends you make, your neighbors, all the big things they give you direction. The little things that only you control, those are the decisions and choices that will make the most significant difference. When no one is looking, do you stand up and face a decision. I tell my daughter frequently that making the right decision in the face of the easy one is where you determine your character.

What kind of character do I have? I know what kind of character that I want. I know what I want people to say about my life when I die. But do I really live those values. In the quiet moments am I doing those things. Who am I to say that?

I am here to help. I believe this strongly enough to consider getting it incorporating into the existing tattoo I have. It is the name of my blog, I tell people in job interviews that it’s my personal motto. I ask myself frequently am I doing that. Why do I want that so passionately? Quite simply there was a long stretch in my life that I felt alone and helpless.

Was I actually alone and helpless? NO. That was a lie I told myself because I let that little voice inside my head win. BUT that was my reality. I strongly believe that I lost the battle with the voice inside my head because for reasons that are totally legitimate I did not have someone who spoke encouraging words into my life.

Let me stop here and say that I could not have had a parent that believed more in the fact that I could do anything in this world I set my mind to. But my father and I didn’t learn to communicate until I learned to hear what my dad’s words and actions were saying.

It is all very simple to experience life as it happens to you. To learn how to see the world as it happens around you is a skill we all need to learn. While my dad was supportive in his way, there was very little else happening that really helped me see where my value was in the world. I am here to tell you that even if my dad and I could have communicated, I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway. I was a kid and he was my dad, he knew nothing about what I was going through. The truth was he didn’t know, I never let him see it. How could he know I needed anything?

During my almost 3 years of counseling I realized what I had been missing and vowed that I would never let the moments I needed go unspoken to someone else if I witnessed it. I would stand up for someone being bullied, I would encourage someone to keep trying, I would hold a hand and give a touch to someone who obviously needed to know that they were seen and important.

I didn’t really understand how to do this until I gave birth to my daughter. Then it was suddenly clear what must be done. I was able to really get outside myself and see the world from other people’s perspectives. Relate to their experiences or acknowledge that I could not know what was going on in someone else’s life, but I could be there. I could do the right thing in the face of the easy one.

How I did this isn’t so important. The upshot is that I try to encourage people. I do my best to see people, look them in the eye. What small part I can do to make people feel seen, heard, valued or all three if I can.

When I reflect and ask myself if I am doing that, I hope that I am. It’s not like you can take a survey and ask people “hey do I make you feel valued?” “Do you feel encouraged” “Is there something I can do for you?” People I have impacted know it, but I am not asking for that acknowledgment, I did it because it is right and important to tell someone else that they are just as, or more important than you. Everyone needs to know their pricelessness.

I know I have had an impact on a few people, but is it enough? Society says if we aren’t changing the world we are just sustaining ourselves. What if I just work on my community of people? The people I know, interact with and meet? Then if I influence someone in that group to do something similar in their network…does that change the world? I think so. It’s not flashy, but it’s pure and real. This act of acknowledgement goes to the heart of human nature. We matter, each and every one of us matters.

I believe one of the strongest values I bring to this world is my gift of “help” in whatever shape that comes in. How do you show people their value? Even if you can't give your value a name, what small thing do you do? We are talking small things people. Do one small thing every day and work up to bigger things. I’ll list some ideas to get you started, then make up your own…

·        Look a homeless person in the eye and smile at them, or simply acknowledge they are talking to you. They are real people.

·        Say “good morning” and mean it

·        Ask someone about themselves and don’t say one word about yourself

·        Stand up to a bully for someone else

·        Acknowledge an injustice to the person that suffered it – acknowledge their feelings as real and justified

·        Concede in an argument that doesn’t really matter

·        Give a hug, then give another

·        Call your parents

·        Call your grandparents

·        Text a friend when you are thinking about them and say only that

·        Schedule that dinner with a friend, don’t just talk about it

Give yourself a break. You do not have to be perfect. You do not have to go out and do monumental acts of kindness. What you put out into this world you will get back. That acknowledgement of someone who is invisible one day, will be returned to you on a day when you need the same thing. We are all here to help each other, we have just fallen out of practice.

My reflections tell me that I am getting better at living my credo, but there is work yet to be done.

Be encouraged, I see you. You are important. You bring something unique and wonderful to this community. Let that shine through and beat back that small and ugly voice inside your head. You are loved. Acknowledge this fact in yourself and then you can share it with someone else.