I have said it before and I will probably say it again...I love being a parent, I love being a parent, I love being a parent. It sometimes acts as a mantra that I say until I believe it. Sometimes a declaration of my heart, but mostly its a reminder that this gig as a parent is the most difficult job any person faces. The reality is that from the moment they are born you feel this overwhelming sense that every decision you make will effect them for the rest of their days.
It starts innocent enough, do you hold them too much? Are you not letting them learn to sooth themselves? Then you move on to mostly safety matters or things like, are you reading to them enough? Are you making them talk so they can get socialized? Finally to the big ones, school, who they hang out with, what they do, how many extra activities can they handle?
The decisions seem endless. But what of discipline?
Discipline has books upon books that you can read, but I want to say, where is the manual that says, when a child does this, the appropriate discipline is this? I want to see this manual. I tend to be on tne strict side, where Rob will never undermine me he is secretly more lenient that me. I love him for it, because it balances me. However you have to have a united front. My friends laugh at me, I have told many of them that if I were to write a book on parenting it would be titled "Parenting: A Ware you MUST win!"
I dont' want you to get the impression that my child is the Devil's spawn or that I don't like being a parent. In fact that is far from the case. The reality is that like a War, your child is constantly stretching and reaching for more territory, more independence, more control. From the moment they are born they are preparing to leave. Our job as parents is to control the battles, win the ones you have to win, and negotiate a truce and land treaty for all the others.
This is where discipline gets tricky. Each kid needs a different set of discipline rules. It so happens that my child needs a very dark boundary line. There can be very little gray area on either side of the line. She is wonderful and her intentions are good, but she has a strong sense of who she is and what she wants out of life. If we give her an inch she will take it and ask for more.
So, what happens when she doesn't ask and just leaps across the boundary line and keeps on running? How do you reach out with the hook, stop the behavior and then use it as a learning tool? I don't know about you, but I am not a parent that stays calm in those hectic moments when you are in public, your kid is acting like they are possessed, you realize that everyone is wondering whose kid that is and now you have to step out and DO something.
Do you take that moment you have before your kid's behavior goes from mildly annoying to getting you kicked out of the mall, to gather a calm demeanor and extricate your kid to a safe area to STRONGLY explain to them why that behavior is inappropriate? Do you go in with both guns ablaze making a big show to the parents around that this is inappropriate behavior and you will be sure to punish your child accordingly when you get them out of this situation?
Think about when you have been the observer to these situations. The poor parent with the misbehaving kid cannot win. You go in calm and sweetly get your kid away and you are too lenient and as the observer you think, "wow that parent clearly doesn't have a handle on their kids" IF the parent goes in guns blazing, then you think "Sheesh, I would hate to be that kid. Looked like that parent was gonna knock them into next week!"
Should we care what other people think when our kids behave badly in public? I think the ansewr is yes and no. Yes, because as parents its our job to raise our child to understand appropriate rules of decorum and respect both to people and as a society and community. No, because each kid needs a different kind of parenting that will get through to the way a kid thinks and reacts to certain behavors by you.
Decorum and respect are not skills like holding a fork or learning to speak. They are etheral and instinctual. IF a kid doesn't have that completely naturally you have to cultivate it like a garden. However, I have a black thumb in gardening. What do I do then? Will Home Depot train me in the art of child rearing through the local gardening class? Probably not, but wouldn't their attendance go up it it did.
Proverbs 23:13-14 says "Do not withold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death"
That is some heavy stuff, but I think the principle stays true. Think of your kid's life like a bowling lane. Your kid is the bowling ball, adulthood the pins and Discipline the bumpers on wither side of the lane. Essentially your kid must find their own way, but as they do that they may get to the edge of the lane and try to fall into the gutter. Your discpline is like a bumper moving them back into the lane and towards thos pins.
I don't use this description with Hannah, but we do have a pattern when things go bad. I like to think of these episodes as peace and land treaties.
It starts innocent enough, do you hold them too much? Are you not letting them learn to sooth themselves? Then you move on to mostly safety matters or things like, are you reading to them enough? Are you making them talk so they can get socialized? Finally to the big ones, school, who they hang out with, what they do, how many extra activities can they handle?
The decisions seem endless. But what of discipline?
Discipline has books upon books that you can read, but I want to say, where is the manual that says, when a child does this, the appropriate discipline is this? I want to see this manual. I tend to be on tne strict side, where Rob will never undermine me he is secretly more lenient that me. I love him for it, because it balances me. However you have to have a united front. My friends laugh at me, I have told many of them that if I were to write a book on parenting it would be titled "Parenting: A Ware you MUST win!"
I dont' want you to get the impression that my child is the Devil's spawn or that I don't like being a parent. In fact that is far from the case. The reality is that like a War, your child is constantly stretching and reaching for more territory, more independence, more control. From the moment they are born they are preparing to leave. Our job as parents is to control the battles, win the ones you have to win, and negotiate a truce and land treaty for all the others.
This is where discipline gets tricky. Each kid needs a different set of discipline rules. It so happens that my child needs a very dark boundary line. There can be very little gray area on either side of the line. She is wonderful and her intentions are good, but she has a strong sense of who she is and what she wants out of life. If we give her an inch she will take it and ask for more.
So, what happens when she doesn't ask and just leaps across the boundary line and keeps on running? How do you reach out with the hook, stop the behavior and then use it as a learning tool? I don't know about you, but I am not a parent that stays calm in those hectic moments when you are in public, your kid is acting like they are possessed, you realize that everyone is wondering whose kid that is and now you have to step out and DO something.
Do you take that moment you have before your kid's behavior goes from mildly annoying to getting you kicked out of the mall, to gather a calm demeanor and extricate your kid to a safe area to STRONGLY explain to them why that behavior is inappropriate? Do you go in with both guns ablaze making a big show to the parents around that this is inappropriate behavior and you will be sure to punish your child accordingly when you get them out of this situation?
Think about when you have been the observer to these situations. The poor parent with the misbehaving kid cannot win. You go in calm and sweetly get your kid away and you are too lenient and as the observer you think, "wow that parent clearly doesn't have a handle on their kids" IF the parent goes in guns blazing, then you think "Sheesh, I would hate to be that kid. Looked like that parent was gonna knock them into next week!"
Should we care what other people think when our kids behave badly in public? I think the ansewr is yes and no. Yes, because as parents its our job to raise our child to understand appropriate rules of decorum and respect both to people and as a society and community. No, because each kid needs a different kind of parenting that will get through to the way a kid thinks and reacts to certain behavors by you.
Decorum and respect are not skills like holding a fork or learning to speak. They are etheral and instinctual. IF a kid doesn't have that completely naturally you have to cultivate it like a garden. However, I have a black thumb in gardening. What do I do then? Will Home Depot train me in the art of child rearing through the local gardening class? Probably not, but wouldn't their attendance go up it it did.
Proverbs 23:13-14 says "Do not withold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death"
That is some heavy stuff, but I think the principle stays true. Think of your kid's life like a bowling lane. Your kid is the bowling ball, adulthood the pins and Discipline the bumpers on wither side of the lane. Essentially your kid must find their own way, but as they do that they may get to the edge of the lane and try to fall into the gutter. Your discpline is like a bumper moving them back into the lane and towards thos pins.
I don't use this description with Hannah, but we do have a pattern when things go bad. I like to think of these episodes as peace and land treaties.
- She does something way out of character for her, but she was probably moving toward with for a while, whether we were paying attention or not.
- There is a strong response, there could be yelling, maybe a public dressing down, maybe some stern quiet talking then returning to an activity.
- Usually there is a lull, while I figure out what I am going to say to her.
- We get in the car and I basically lecture or interogate her on her behavior. She gets upset and asks if we can stop talking about it. I obviously say NO and continue lecturing because she obviously hasn't been listening.
- I recognize that she probably is only hearing the teacher from the Peanuts cartoon at this point, but I need to run myself down as well, so it serves a purpose. :)
- We get home and there is another break while we take care of a few things like putting our stuff away. This gives me time to get calm and sit her down to actually talk about what happened.
- We talk about what kind of punsihment should be involved.
- I give her this standard talk about what my job as her parent is: My job is to make her the best Her she can be. I do not like to discipline, but it is part of the job. I do it because I love her more than anything and because of that I am willing to do something I DO NOT like to do.
- Then we wait to give discipline until I have had a chance to talk with Dad. This serves the purpose of making Hannah worry about the punishment, maybe actually consider doing something differently next time, and it gives Rob and I a chance to agree on the level and degree of discipline. Serving 2 purposes for us in this case.
- Punishment is then delivered and we move on with our lives.
Sometimes there is an 11th step that involves the extended enforcement of a punishment. This is a pain but infinitely important. Kids crave consistentcy and without those peach and land treaties can be torn to shreds before you know it.
All we really hope for with this method is that our child is a happy, healthy, productive child that is willing to take care of us when we are old. Isn't that what we are working towards? A child that is willing to take care of us like we took care of them?
OK that isn't it, but she does need someone to love her enough to perform even the difficult parts of being a parent. Proverbs 22:6 "Train your child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." Isn't this what you want for your child?
Be brave! Say No and mean it! They will thank you for it later.
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