Conflict. The word can strike fear into the hearts of many. How do you respond to conflict? Do you crave it? Like the way you feel powerful when you make people uncomfortable through a conflict? Or do you run from it like a cat from a pursuing dog? OR are you somewhere in between?
I can tell you this is a developed muscle of mine. For some of you that know, you know I am no stranger to conflict. That does not mean I go seeking it out, but I do face it when a conflict of any kind arises and I do make myself go into uncomfortable situations even though my instincts say to run for my life. Do I like conflict? No, but that's why I deal with it. I believe there is a happy medium on the spectrum of conflict resolution. I believe this is probably one of my strengths. I am no expert and probably have a lot to learn about properly resolving a conflict, but regardless I feel compelled to share some of my notes of learning that I have gotten as time has passed.
Sit back relax and see if you enjoy my pearls of wisdom...or whatever.
1. You are not a mind reader. No matter what happens to create a conflict all to often the conflict is a result of another complicating factor and less about the conflict itself. When a conflict comes up its important to realize that you are not the person that you are having conflict with. You have no idea what is going on in their life, or how your actions are impacting them in their particular situation.
2. People just want to be heard and Validated in their feelings. People in general are not good listeners. That results in poor understanding or interpretation. Compound that by a general lack of ability to communicate effectively on both sides opens up ample opportunity for conflicts. If you practice good listening or even take the time to validate and acknowledge a person's feelings or position you can defuse many a situation.
3. Communication is a 2-way Street. In any conflict there are two participants, you and the other guy. So that means that you have ownership in the conflict. conversely you have ownership in resolving a conflict.
4. Focus on what you can control. Focus on you. How did you contribute to the conflict? What could you have done differently to avoid the situation, but still found success? Have you apologized for your part in the conflict? The truth is you can only control yourself and the way you respond in any given situation. Are you being honest with yourself about your involvement in your life? Think about it.
5. Resolution is up to you. Refer to number 4. If you want resolution then you need to assess what is the best way to address the situation and find a common ground with the person you are in conflict with. This could be very direct like a private conversation, perhaps a letter/email, maybe you have to report it to a superior. Don't be afraid to ask for help. The key to this step is to genuinely care about the outcome.
It sounds simple on paper, the hardest part is walking up to someone and saying can we talk about ____? I ask you to remember this when you are faced with this situation...Don't you wish that the other person you are in conflict with cared enough to take the time to resolve the conflict with you? The answer is probably yes, so take a page from Confucius and treat people like you would want to be treated and work fora resolution.
You can do it! Just give it a try.
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