Conflict. The word can strike fear into the hearts of many. How do you respond to conflict? Do you crave it? Like the way you feel powerful when you make people uncomfortable through a conflict? Or do you run from it like a cat from a pursuing dog? OR are you somewhere in between?
I can tell you this is a developed muscle of mine. For some of you that know, you know I am no stranger to conflict. That does not mean I go seeking it out, but I do face it when a conflict of any kind arises and I do make myself go into uncomfortable situations even though my instincts say to run for my life. Do I like conflict? No, but that's why I deal with it. I believe there is a happy medium on the spectrum of conflict resolution. I believe this is probably one of my strengths. I am no expert and probably have a lot to learn about properly resolving a conflict, but regardless I feel compelled to share some of my notes of learning that I have gotten as time has passed.
Sit back relax and see if you enjoy my pearls of wisdom...or whatever.
1. You are not a mind reader. No matter what happens to create a conflict all to often the conflict is a result of another complicating factor and less about the conflict itself. When a conflict comes up its important to realize that you are not the person that you are having conflict with. You have no idea what is going on in their life, or how your actions are impacting them in their particular situation.
2. People just want to be heard and Validated in their feelings. People in general are not good listeners. That results in poor understanding or interpretation. Compound that by a general lack of ability to communicate effectively on both sides opens up ample opportunity for conflicts. If you practice good listening or even take the time to validate and acknowledge a person's feelings or position you can defuse many a situation.
3. Communication is a 2-way Street. In any conflict there are two participants, you and the other guy. So that means that you have ownership in the conflict. conversely you have ownership in resolving a conflict.
4. Focus on what you can control. Focus on you. How did you contribute to the conflict? What could you have done differently to avoid the situation, but still found success? Have you apologized for your part in the conflict? The truth is you can only control yourself and the way you respond in any given situation. Are you being honest with yourself about your involvement in your life? Think about it.
5. Resolution is up to you. Refer to number 4. If you want resolution then you need to assess what is the best way to address the situation and find a common ground with the person you are in conflict with. This could be very direct like a private conversation, perhaps a letter/email, maybe you have to report it to a superior. Don't be afraid to ask for help. The key to this step is to genuinely care about the outcome.
It sounds simple on paper, the hardest part is walking up to someone and saying can we talk about ____? I ask you to remember this when you are faced with this situation...Don't you wish that the other person you are in conflict with cared enough to take the time to resolve the conflict with you? The answer is probably yes, so take a page from Confucius and treat people like you would want to be treated and work fora resolution.
You can do it! Just give it a try.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Big Decisions
I know we all like to think that we are in charge of our destiny. We get somewhere based on the choices WE made. This breeds ownership which I like, but can also end in a self confidence dive if the decision doesn't net the intended result. So I ask you...Do YOU make the decision or is there more to it?
I would lobby for the more to it perspective. Think about the last big decision you made. Did you just make the decision and move on or was there a process you followed? For instance some may make a pro/con list, others will pray for a solution or path to be shown to them and still others will want someone to make the decision for them, not wanting to make such a decision.
I say there are elements of all of the above in a big decision. Let's go back to elementary school when they teach you about science and how to come to a logical or correct answer to a problem. First you learn about a hypothesis and then you go about proving that hypothesis true or false. Decision making is much the same. A question is presented and then the decision maker must gather evidence that will lead to a decision or conclusion for the question. This is neither good or bad, but a result.
This leads to the next science lesson for every action there is a reaction. Once this decision is made there will be some set of consequences. Good or bad is determined based on the choice that is made.
When you break it down like that it seems like no decision is a big one, but that is simply not the case. Every major decision requires an evaluation of the current situation you are in and what impact the decision you are trying to make will have on your life. How can any one person have all the answers? They can't that is the issue. So what do we do?
Well, for me I consult people far wiser than me, or at least whose opinion I value on the subject. I pray that a path is opened up, in addition I pray that I am open to seeing that path once it is presented and lastly I reflect on decisions I have made before and determine what I can learn for those experiences. This process can take hours or days depending on the complexity of the decision.
What about emotion? I am an emotional person, but I do try to remove emotion as much as possible for big decisions. Break it down to the brass tax, what is the crux of the situation and what are the impacts of each possible decision. Weigh the good and the bad, then ask for someone who is honest and as objective as possible to get a neutral position. Pray about what or where is the right direction to go. Then with all the information you can make an informed and hopefully beneficial decision.
I would lobby for the more to it perspective. Think about the last big decision you made. Did you just make the decision and move on or was there a process you followed? For instance some may make a pro/con list, others will pray for a solution or path to be shown to them and still others will want someone to make the decision for them, not wanting to make such a decision.
I say there are elements of all of the above in a big decision. Let's go back to elementary school when they teach you about science and how to come to a logical or correct answer to a problem. First you learn about a hypothesis and then you go about proving that hypothesis true or false. Decision making is much the same. A question is presented and then the decision maker must gather evidence that will lead to a decision or conclusion for the question. This is neither good or bad, but a result.
This leads to the next science lesson for every action there is a reaction. Once this decision is made there will be some set of consequences. Good or bad is determined based on the choice that is made.
When you break it down like that it seems like no decision is a big one, but that is simply not the case. Every major decision requires an evaluation of the current situation you are in and what impact the decision you are trying to make will have on your life. How can any one person have all the answers? They can't that is the issue. So what do we do?
Well, for me I consult people far wiser than me, or at least whose opinion I value on the subject. I pray that a path is opened up, in addition I pray that I am open to seeing that path once it is presented and lastly I reflect on decisions I have made before and determine what I can learn for those experiences. This process can take hours or days depending on the complexity of the decision.
What about emotion? I am an emotional person, but I do try to remove emotion as much as possible for big decisions. Break it down to the brass tax, what is the crux of the situation and what are the impacts of each possible decision. Weigh the good and the bad, then ask for someone who is honest and as objective as possible to get a neutral position. Pray about what or where is the right direction to go. Then with all the information you can make an informed and hopefully beneficial decision.
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