Parenting is a thankless job, everyone knows it, but the pressure to be a certain way is almost oppressive. I think (and I am probably biased) that the pressure that mothers put on themselves is much higher than dads, but either way there is an unspoken rule that you must produce children that are productive and proactive people immediately.
I will openly admit that I am the source of 95% of that pressure. Speaking for myself right now I have a predilection to controlling things. So I know that I am predisposed to trying to control my kid. I understand rationally that my child cannot be controlled and the best I can do is try to teach her right from wrong, how to take care of herself and along the way hope she learns some basic manners and coping skills that will make her successful in her adult years.
This is a good spot to give you a little background on me…My parents divorced when I was five and my mother walked away never to return when I was seven and it was just us kids and my dad after that. Really it was just me and him for the most part, my brother and sister moved out of the house before they were done with high school and them being seven and nine years older than me I grew up sort of as an only child even though I have siblings. Now don’t give me any pity here, this is just to set the stage for the rest of this post. My Dad was phenomenal, he did the best he could with the resources he had. He dedicated himself to providing us kids with everything we needed and in many cases what we wanted. He supported us in the best way he knew how. My Mom leaving was a blessing as well. I would not be the person I am today had those events not taken place.
But now that I am a parent I find myself thinking something I am sure my Dad thought from time to time.
• What the hell am I doing?
• I don’t know what to do in this situation and I know I am not doing it right, but can’t figure out what I am supposed to do.
• Who gave me a parenting license because it should be revoked!
• I don’t understand how we got here?
• What can I do differently?
The questions go on and on. The litany can change based on the current quandary that parenting is throwing at you. I am here to tell you that while there is no parenting handbook, there is a whole genre of literature out there to choose from, where you can get an opinion on just about anything in regards to parenting your children. Since I am not one to try and figure out a solution on my own and realize my limitations, I partake in reading the opinions of all kinds of people in hopes that I will figure out how to a parent so effectively that our daughter will be a magnificent productive, kind, rule following, successful citizen of the world!
Now let’s be serious here, I realize that no one person has the corner market on parenting. If they did there wouldn’t be so many books to choose from. I subscribe to the read and use what tidbits fit into your personality and your child’s rule of thumb. Every person, parent and child is different and this must be considered when reading any parenting book.
I have obviously been considering my skills as a parent, so tonight I decided I would dig out all the parenting books I could find in the house. I have found NINE of them and I know I don’t have them all. I know it’s pathetic, but here I am with an almost eight year old and more than nine books read and still feeling as inadequate as I did before I ever picked a book up. That is not to say that some of the things I have picked up aren’t helpful. They are, I just think that we are destined to feel like we are always failing. It seems like a good idea to do a book review and see what you all think…
When Hannah was in Kindergarten we started experiencing an attitude problem that we couldn’t figure out how to curb. So, I went to the book store, where I purchased Have a New Kid by Friday. This book gives you tools to change your child in 5 days. The instructions are reasonable, straightforward and logical. You find yourself thinking I can do this. I like this book and do go back to it. The basic principle is actions have consequences, but you have to be consistent. I do recommend this and it is a common theme in most of the books I read. Stay calm, don’t take the bait and meet out a consistent discipline that is mostly a result of their choices rather than your punishment.
Following Kindergarten we considered putting Hannah back in public school. We would save a lot of money and theoretically Hannah would be much closer to home during the day. I think your child’s schooling and daycare locations are some of the hardest choices a parent makes. This is your child’s job. You want them to be successful and get the attention that they need while they are there. We can’t predict the future, but we try to predict what they will need in the future. For this dilemma I read goingpublic Your Child Can Thrive in Public School. This book makes the case why every kid can thrive in public school. This obviously did not sway us into going with public school, but it is an excellent book and does make a good case for going with public school.
OK, this one is a little weird, but go with me on this. We got a puppy and puppies are like children, as you can imagine we watched a lot of The Dog Whisperer, which lead me to Cesar’s Way This book repeats the theme essentially that Have a New Kid by Friday does. Stay calm, do not take the bait and expect obedience and you will get it. I do find that the essentials of this principle work, but claiming the idea from a man who rehabilitates dogs doesn’t rank high on my want to do list.
First Grade brought a time when I wanted to feel like I was not alone. At the time I was feeling woefully inadequate. I was short tempered with Hannah; she had a growing attitude whenever she was with me. Hannah is a good girl, very polite and considerate with almost anyone. She is single and has the same issues many single kids have. Being a tad self centered over and above the normal child simply because they do not have to share as much as other kids. At the same time I felt like she had to have activities and a social life that would overcome the lack of other kids in our own home. We do not and will not be having more kids by our own choice. I did not want our choice to impact her development though. With such pressure to have more than one kid and the stigma a single has I was making myself crazy. I feel crazy just typing it. Anyway…I read Mother on Fire. This book is very funny and does give you permission as a parent to relax and trust that kids can be kids and the rest will work out. The trouble is you just don’t believe it sometimes. You are so caught up in trying to be everything you need to be for your child that you can’t let go and relax.
Second Grade has been a banner year for books. Hannah has encountered a lot of growing and developing milestones this year and so I have been to the local bookstore for four books just this year. First I picked up Nurture Shock. This is a great book, probably one of the first books that I had to read a chapter, ruminate on its contents and then move to the next chapter. This book really takes a look at the fundamental reasons kids do certain things. It is very eye opening and may change the way you think about how your kids end up like they do and what you can do about it. While this didn’t help me with any particular problem with Hannah it did open my eyes to how our ingrained behavior can have long term impacts on our children if we are not self aware enough to realize it.
Second The Mother-Daughter Project. This book has a great premise, but the implementation of it was unrealistic for me. I also felt like it was more of a commercial for their program than instructions on how to have a better relationship with Hannah. That is not to say that what they are doing isn’t a positive and impactful way to encourage Mothers and Daughters to communicate and have a better relationship for the duration of their lives. I agree in principle with what they put in place, but it wasn’t reasonable for us to do as a family.
Third Love and Logic From Innocence to Entitlement. This is a fantastic book that I would pair with Have a New Kid by Friday the principles are very similar but phrased differently. Love and Logic is a well respected movement that has been around for years. Many churches have classes and the books are well received.
Finally book number four for the year so far, Freeing your Child from Negative Thinking. This book I have not completed yet. I bought it in hopes that it would give me ideas on how to turn around Hannah’s emotional nose dives. I am truly at a loss about how to get her to see that everything in the world is not happening to her or at her, but around her. She must only choose a better way to respond.
After all that reading here is what I know about these books…
• Stay calm whether you feel that way or not
• Consequences are natural and important
• Do NOT take the bait
• Be consistent
Putting this into action is a whole other deal. I believe myself to be pretty consistent, but parenting is constantly changing because your child is constantly changing. First she doesn’t have any manners, so you have to spend what seems like eons teaching her to say please and thank you without being prompted. Then you move on to pitching fits in public places, which results in a few abandoned meals and shopping carts. Once you are done with that perhaps hitting, biting, tattling, or any other pre-school experience you can think up. Pretty soon you lick that and you are moving into following rules of decorum, like speak when spoken to, listening, patience and grace. Once that is beat, you must move on to the next thing. There is no getting comfortable or learning to perfect a skill. As a parent you are in guerilla boot camp every day. I wish I could say that at some point you feel like you are an accomplished parent, but apparently even after they are adults you will continue to worry, fret and bail them out of jams because let’s face it we love our children and would do anything for them.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Love Letters
Today I will drift from my normal topic style a little bit. All of you know the nature of my husband Rob's job. Due to the nature of our lives he is sometimes away from home over night and sometimes for a few days. I always have a hard time going to sleep. Some part of me is waiting for him to come home. I read, watch TV and while he without fail will call and tell me good night and he loves me, I am still waiting for the warmth of his body next to me in the bed. I climb into bed and the dog and the cat snuggle in, but it just isn't the same.
It is in these moments that I think about everything that he means to me and to our family. I remember events, moments, feelings that I have because of him. My heart will ache with the love I feel for him. Many of you know that when I am overwhelmed with emotion I write to clear my head. These nights are no different. So, I write letters to Rob. My version of love letters. Sometimes they are hand written and I put them where he will find them. Other times I type them and leave them on the desktop to be discovered.
Do you tell your loved one's what they mean to you? I love Rob so much my heart aches for him even when he is just in another room. We are not a gushy couple. You will not find us fawning over eachother or showing pubic displays of affection. Do not be mistaken, there is a sentimental side to both of us. Rob has the first love letter I ever wrote him back in 1998 framed. It used to sit next to our bed, but he keeps it close so he can read it when he wants to. I sit in his lap and make him rock me at least once a week.
I write him love letters for me. I can express to him how I feel in a raw uncut way, that if I was speaking to him I would probably cry and it would taint the emotion I want to convey. He is not there when I write and I don't change the words because it is what I feel. I have a strong belief that if you feel strongly about someone you tell them. People need to know they are loved and appreciated. You will feel better knowing that you gave that positive feedback. Their actions go noticed and will foster more gifts of love to be poured out into the world.
Love is simple and complicated at the same time. The strongest love is showed in the simplest of ways. For us it might be that I make Rob's lunch everyday because I know that if I don't make it he might go all day and forget to eat. Rob hugs me when I need it and tells me it's going to be OK even when he doesn't know if it will or is busy. He knows I need the hug and stops what he is doing and gives it. Rob accepts the role I play as a primary caregiver and go to person for my family even though it sometimes gets in the way of plans we have because this is who I am and I can't change that.
Rob is my precious gift from God and I thank Him everyday for that. I know Rob feels the same way because when he hugs me on those days when I need it and calls me when he is away so I know he is safe, or sends me a note that says no more than "I love you" he is sending me his own love letters.
Love letters don't have to be confined to your spouse. As a teenager I gave out a love letter every year at Christmas. I would pick one family member I wanted to recognize for the special meaning they had in my life. This last year I bought a gift card for 1 cup of coffee for a group of co-workers that had been killing themselves. This isn't a grand gesture, but I wrote a note to them saying a simple thank you. I meant it sincerely. Put your love on display to the one's you love. Don't advertise what you do to the masses. Show it in little ways everyday that you are engaged and paying attention to what goes on around you. People in your life are pouring their love onto you. Can you see it? Are you recognizing it and then returning it with the same enthusiasm?
The point of this post was not to tell teh whole world how much I love my husband and how fabulous our marriage is. We are married and everyday you work to make it a success and that is what we do. The point of this post is to say to you as a reader, what and who are you passionate about? If you know what that is are you expressing that passion in a way that is tangible to those that need to hear it? Take action! You will be paid back ten fold for every small step action you make.
I love you Rob! You are my sunshine!
It is in these moments that I think about everything that he means to me and to our family. I remember events, moments, feelings that I have because of him. My heart will ache with the love I feel for him. Many of you know that when I am overwhelmed with emotion I write to clear my head. These nights are no different. So, I write letters to Rob. My version of love letters. Sometimes they are hand written and I put them where he will find them. Other times I type them and leave them on the desktop to be discovered.
Do you tell your loved one's what they mean to you? I love Rob so much my heart aches for him even when he is just in another room. We are not a gushy couple. You will not find us fawning over eachother or showing pubic displays of affection. Do not be mistaken, there is a sentimental side to both of us. Rob has the first love letter I ever wrote him back in 1998 framed. It used to sit next to our bed, but he keeps it close so he can read it when he wants to. I sit in his lap and make him rock me at least once a week.
I write him love letters for me. I can express to him how I feel in a raw uncut way, that if I was speaking to him I would probably cry and it would taint the emotion I want to convey. He is not there when I write and I don't change the words because it is what I feel. I have a strong belief that if you feel strongly about someone you tell them. People need to know they are loved and appreciated. You will feel better knowing that you gave that positive feedback. Their actions go noticed and will foster more gifts of love to be poured out into the world.
Love is simple and complicated at the same time. The strongest love is showed in the simplest of ways. For us it might be that I make Rob's lunch everyday because I know that if I don't make it he might go all day and forget to eat. Rob hugs me when I need it and tells me it's going to be OK even when he doesn't know if it will or is busy. He knows I need the hug and stops what he is doing and gives it. Rob accepts the role I play as a primary caregiver and go to person for my family even though it sometimes gets in the way of plans we have because this is who I am and I can't change that.
Rob is my precious gift from God and I thank Him everyday for that. I know Rob feels the same way because when he hugs me on those days when I need it and calls me when he is away so I know he is safe, or sends me a note that says no more than "I love you" he is sending me his own love letters.
Love letters don't have to be confined to your spouse. As a teenager I gave out a love letter every year at Christmas. I would pick one family member I wanted to recognize for the special meaning they had in my life. This last year I bought a gift card for 1 cup of coffee for a group of co-workers that had been killing themselves. This isn't a grand gesture, but I wrote a note to them saying a simple thank you. I meant it sincerely. Put your love on display to the one's you love. Don't advertise what you do to the masses. Show it in little ways everyday that you are engaged and paying attention to what goes on around you. People in your life are pouring their love onto you. Can you see it? Are you recognizing it and then returning it with the same enthusiasm?
The point of this post was not to tell teh whole world how much I love my husband and how fabulous our marriage is. We are married and everyday you work to make it a success and that is what we do. The point of this post is to say to you as a reader, what and who are you passionate about? If you know what that is are you expressing that passion in a way that is tangible to those that need to hear it? Take action! You will be paid back ten fold for every small step action you make.
I love you Rob! You are my sunshine!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Who have you appreciated lately?
Instead of asking someone "What have you done for me lately?" Perhaps we should look in the mirror and ask who have we appreciated lately? Stop and think about the day you had today. How many times did you have a thought around whether someone was going to notice what you were doing and appreciate it for the gift that it was.
Everyone wants what they do to be noticed. Even commented on in as positive a light as possible. Aren't we taught to think to yourself "If I died today what would people say about me at my funeral?" That question will work for both purposes I suppose, but the point is still the same. Can we take our natural inclination to worry about ourselves and put it aside to recognize someone for something they are doing around them?
The general rule is that what you think about you bring about. It seems all the worrying that we do about people noticing our good works would be more highly recognized should we employ the idea of doing unto others as you have them do unto you.
All very cliche' but true all the same. Do you have a co-worker that takes a genuine interest in you and what you are doing? A friend that takes time to sincerely and specifically thank you for something that you have done? A complete stranger that thanks you for opening the door for them? It seems that we should be able to employ that same gratitude.
That doesn't mean running around trying to create a love fest all around you. This becomes overkill and turns into an in-sincere gesture that people becomes suspicious of. The trouble is that you have to be thoughtful and sincere in the appreciation that you apply.
Thank you is a simple courtesy, but going to someone and really thanking them for something that had a particular impact on you means a lot to people. They feel noticed and valuable. These are relationship builders that will benefit you for the rest of your life. Even if you do not remain in contact with that person for years to come. It will still create a persona for yourself that says you think about something other than yourself. Your purpose is for the greater good and not for the greater you. Resulting in your own need to be recognized to be fed at a level that you require.
First you have to decide if that is what you want in your life. Once the decision is made ask yourself..."Who have I appreciated today?"
Everyone wants what they do to be noticed. Even commented on in as positive a light as possible. Aren't we taught to think to yourself "If I died today what would people say about me at my funeral?" That question will work for both purposes I suppose, but the point is still the same. Can we take our natural inclination to worry about ourselves and put it aside to recognize someone for something they are doing around them?
The general rule is that what you think about you bring about. It seems all the worrying that we do about people noticing our good works would be more highly recognized should we employ the idea of doing unto others as you have them do unto you.
All very cliche' but true all the same. Do you have a co-worker that takes a genuine interest in you and what you are doing? A friend that takes time to sincerely and specifically thank you for something that you have done? A complete stranger that thanks you for opening the door for them? It seems that we should be able to employ that same gratitude.
That doesn't mean running around trying to create a love fest all around you. This becomes overkill and turns into an in-sincere gesture that people becomes suspicious of. The trouble is that you have to be thoughtful and sincere in the appreciation that you apply.
Thank you is a simple courtesy, but going to someone and really thanking them for something that had a particular impact on you means a lot to people. They feel noticed and valuable. These are relationship builders that will benefit you for the rest of your life. Even if you do not remain in contact with that person for years to come. It will still create a persona for yourself that says you think about something other than yourself. Your purpose is for the greater good and not for the greater you. Resulting in your own need to be recognized to be fed at a level that you require.
First you have to decide if that is what you want in your life. Once the decision is made ask yourself..."Who have I appreciated today?"
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